CNN: Hello and welcome to the first 2012 GOP Presidential primary debate, live from New Hampshire.
My name is John King, and I will serve as moderator.
Tonight we’re asking each of the candidates to be mindful of the clock, but instead of bells and whistles, I will be keeping time with a steady barrage of grunts and guttural ticks.
The first question comes from our live audience.
AUDIENCE: My name is Perry Taft, and I’m from central New Hampshire. My question is for Rep. Bachmann of Minnesota. Ms. Bachmann, I like vanilla ice cream, white bread, moderation and the status quo. I’m looking for a candidate who barely registers a pulse. Can we count on you to not rock the boat or be too exciting?
BACHMANN: Well, as a former federal tax litigation attorney, successful businesswoman, chairman of the Tea Party Caucus in the House of Representatives, wife of 33 years, mother of five children, with 23 foster children, eighty-eight cats and nine turtles, I’m going to have to say no to that one.
In fact, I was the very first member of Congress to introduce the full-scale repeal of Obamacare, and I also introduced the bill to repeal Dodd-Frank.
I’d also like to take this opportunity to officially announce I’m running for president.
CNN: It looks like Mr. Taft just fainted. While we get medical to help him out, does anyone disagree with Mrs. Bachmann?
SANTORUM: Rep. Bachmann is exactly right. She’s a rock star. Actually, most of the candidates on this stage will be able to put together a campaign that’s far more engaging than that twisted wreck of a catastrophe we were handed last time.
That is, except for me; you probably won’t remember I was ever here. But I was hoping some of the excitement and charisma would really trickle down.
CNN: Speaking of charisma, this next question goes to former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain. The space shuttle program is scheduled to retire, President Obama has called off a flight to the International Space Station, and U.S. astronauts are now mixing their orange Tang with human tears. What role should the government play in future space exploration?
CAIN: Let’s look at solving the real problem. The thing we need to do is to get this program boosted. Space exploration has stalled.
It’s like a shuttle on the launching pad with no rocket. And the administration has simply been burning all the fuel.
Number two, I will surround myself with the right people. Number three, I’ll ask the astronauts in space what we should do.
Number four, deep dish – it’s like deep space, but with an extra thick crust.
CNN: Does everyone agree with that? Governor Pawlenty?
PAWLENTY: I grew up in a meat-packing town. I grew up in a manufacturing town. I was in a union for six or seven years. My dad was in a union. My brothers and sisters, many of them are in unions. We were all in a union, growing up in a blue collar town.
I’m sorry, what was the question? Oh yeah, space. Like I said, for much of his life my dad was a teamster truck driver. My family understands what it’s like to navigate large vehicles across great distances. We’re asking them to climb the mountain with a big sack full of moon rocks on their back. We have to take the moon rocks out.
CNN: That brings to mind your ambitious plan to grow the economy at five percent growth, year after year. Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, is five percent overly optimistic for a fully developed economy?
GINGRICH: I don’t think massive economic growth is any more desirable than weak economic growth.
I don’t think imposing radical growth or allowing radical decline is a very good way for a free economy to operate.
I think we need a national conversation to get to a better economic system with more choices for consumers.
CNN: Congressman Ron Paul, do you agree with that? Is five percent growth radical economic engineering?
PAUL: No, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with wildly optimistic thinking, tilting at windmills, irrational exuberance and spitting into the wind. My campaign is very familiar with that. We’re trying to unwind a Keynesian bubble that’s been going on for 70 years, and you’re not going to touch this problem until you liquidate the bad debt and the malinvestment caused by the Federal Reserve’s monetary policy and central economic planning. If we had a free-market economy and sound money instead of mandates and military campaigns in Iraq and Afghanistan, we’d have people here getting jobs.
GINGRICH: John, you mischaracterized me. I didn’t say radical economic engineering. It was a very narrow question. I support Gov. Pawlenty’s plan as a general proposal. And those words were taken totally out of context.
CNN: Ok, anyone else care to weigh in on this one? Governor Romney?
ROMNEY: Look, Tim has the right instincts. And the ideas Tim described, those are in the right wheelhouse. We ought to be talking about the economy and jobs and spicy hot wings. By the way, the Bruins are up 4-0.
CNN: All right. Speaking of Tim Pawlenty’s instincts, let’s talk “Obamneycare.” Why do you call it that, Governor?
PAWLENTY: Well, the issue that was raised in a question from a reporter was, what are the similarities between the two? And I just cited President Obama’s own words that he looked to Massachusetts as a blueprint or a guide when he designed Obamacare. President Obama is the person who I quoted in saying that. He’s the one who said it. And so using the term was a reflection of the president’s comments. But I don’t sit around thinking of ways to insert the names of my fellow Republican candidates into Obama’s programs. The stimulus wasn’t the A-Mitt-rican Rom-covery and Rom-vestment Act. It’s not the Patient Paul-tection and Afforda-Bachmann Care Act.
CNN: Governor, you want to respond to that at all?
ROMNEY: No, just to say this, which is my guess is the president is going to eat those words and wish he hadn’t put them out there. And I can’t wait to debate him and say, Mr. President, if, in fact, you did look at what we did in Massachusetts, why didn’t you give me a call and ask what worked and what didn’t? Why didn’t you send me an e-mail? How about a text message?
CNN: Ok let’s…
ROMNEY: I’m also on Facebook, Mr. President. You could have left a message on my wall. Or sent one of those Facebook messages. I’m also on Twitter. Why didn’t you tweet me an @ reply or send a direct message? Not the Weiner kind of tweet, but you know. Oh, and I think I’ve still got an old MySpace page where you can leave me a note. Mr. President. I’m here…
CNN: Thank you, Governor.
ROMNEY: Call me…
CNN: Getting back to Obamacare. Who else has something to say about that?
BACHMANN: I want to make a promise to everyone watching tonight: As president of the United States, I will not rest until I repeal Obamacare. It’s a promise. Take it to the bank, cash the check. I’ll make sure that that happens. You cash that check, bring me the deposit slip, and I’ll autograph it. Signed, sealed, and delivered. You can withdraw some crisp new bills, take them to the store, and they’ll be accepted as legal tender. That money will be guaranteed by the Federal Reserve Bank for all debts, public and private.
PAUL: Did somebody say Federal Reserve Bank?!
CNN: No, I don’t think so Rep. Paul. Next question is for Herman Cain. You recently said you would not appoint a dwarf to your cabinet. Are little people as a group less committed to the Constitution than, say, average-sized adults?
CAIN: The question wasn’t whether I would appoint a dwarf in my administration, but if I would be comfortable with a dwarf in my administration. And I would not be comfortable because they’re creepy. Whenever they came in to order pizza, you’d see the door open, but nobody would come in. And then all the sudden a set of eyes are peering at you around the counter.
CNN: And that’s about all the time we have. Candidates, any last words?
GINGRICH: Using the Ronald Reagan equivalency scale, I’ll still be relevant for another 20 years.
SANTORUM: You can forget about me, but don’t you dare forget about Medicare Part D.
CNN: Ok, that was a mistake. Goodnight, America.
*In case you missed it, here’s the 2008 version.*