FOX: Gentlemen, thanks for being here. It’s been nearly six and a half hours since you last shared this stage, so we’re glad to have you back. You may remember the controversy that erupted two years ago about whether Representative Keith Ellison, a Muslim, should be able to use a Koran in his swear-in ceremony. If you become President, how would you take your oath of office? Let’s start with Senator Fred Thompson of Tennessee.

THOMPSON: I don’t do hand-raises.

FOX: Not even for the oath of office?

THOMPSON: No oaths this term.

FOX: No oaths… um, ok. Governor Huckabee?

HUCKABEE: I’m not sure why I always get the religious questions or what my faith has to do with it. But since you asked, I would place my hand on the Holy Bible, and I would promise to uphold the Presidential duties and take back this nation for Christ. By the way, don’t Mormons swear their oaths on the Book of Satan?

FOX: Governor Romney, since your religion was mentioned, you have four seconds to respond.

ROMNEY: You know, we’d — we’d be wise to talk about policies and not make these personal attacks. John Adams once said…

FOX: Next question. This one goes to Senator McCain. Senator, you say “poTAto,” but Governor Romney says “poTATo.” Which one is it?

MCCAIN: It’s time for a little straight talk, my friends. In the Vietnamese prison camps, I think it was pronounced, “SHAI-WAA.” I’m not sure, because I was tied up at the time. What I do know is that we need to institute a carbon tax.

FOX: Our next series of questions will be asked by inanimate objects. First, a question about national defense from a can of pickled beets.

CAN OF PICKLED BEETS: Good evening, thanks for taking my question. I’m wondering what each of you would do if you became Commander-In-Chief and the only things you had with which to fight the terrorists was a rifle, a wine cork and Dennis Kuchinich.

FOX: Mayor Giuliani, let’s start with you.

GIULIANI: I would put the cork in the barrel of the rifle, but I would ward off the radical jihadists by swinging Dennis Kuchinich from his ankles. We did that in New York, and crime when down something like five million percent. It was the biggest decrease in crime in the history of the planet and every other identified planet in our galaxy.

FOX: Senator Thompson?

THOMPSON: Dennis Kuchinich is a blame America first liberal, so there’s really no use for him, strictly speaking. And I would have to assume that the rifle was not loaded, so I would use the cork, but I’m not going to tell you how I’ll use it, or where I’ll keep it.

FOX: Governor Romney?

ROMNEY: I would use the rifle’s laser sight as a pointer while Dennis Kuchinich operates the Powerpoint slides. Then I would assemble a team of lawyers and present options about what to do with the cork.

FOX: Our next question is on electability and comes from a penny on the sidewalk in Waterloo, Iowa.

PENNY ON THE SIDEWALK IN WATERLOO, IOWA: It’s a pleasure to be here. My question is what does the GOP mean to you, and how has it changed since the time of the first Republican President, Abraham Lincoln, whose face is engraved right here on my side?

FOX: Senator McCain?

MCCAIN: I came to Congress with Abe Lincoln. Heh. In all seriousness, though, we went to Congress to change Washington, but instead Washington changed us. That’s why we’re trying to pass amnesty for illegal immigrants, restrict political speech and prevent conservative judges from taking the bench.

FOX: Congressman Paul?

PAUL: President Lincoln violated the constitution. I totally disagree with the failed policies that got us entangled in a civil war. It’s so silly, because slavery would have ended anyway. We need to get back to the conservative principles of Jefferson Davis. And return to the gold standard.

FOX: Governor Huckabee?

HUCKABEE: I come from a state where Republicans were fed to wild dogs. That’s why we have to support things like free tuition for illegal immigrants, socialist health care that focuses on disease prevention, and national bans on cigarettes and food containing trans fat. We also need to make sure we never pass school vouchers or advocate realistic tax policies.

FOX: Mayor Giuliani?

GIULIANI: Ask George Will; he’ll tell you I’m 400% more Republican than anyone else on this stage, and I’ve been a Republican longer than 65% of them, which is pretty good in a place like New York City where there are only 17 Republicans, if you include Bernard Kerik.

FOX: And now appearing with us via satellite is Representative Duncan Hunter. We forgot to invite you again, Mr. Hunter, so you’ve been alotted exactly 15 seconds of free air time. Just feel free to say whatever comes to mind.

HUNTER: Thanks, Brit. As you can see, I’m standing in front of a fence. And not just any fence; this is the double border fence I built here in San Diego. I got the idea to build this fence after seeing a photo of the Great Wall in China. And speaking of China, they’re cheating us on trade and taking our jobs. We need those jobs so we can rebuild our military, the great U.S. military that I served like my father before me, and like my son did in Iraq. And with my five remaining seconds, I’d just like to say: China-fence-military, and God bless America.

FOX: And now for a rebuttal, let’s go to Ron Paul. Dr. Paul?

PAUL: We don’t need all these fences. What we need is to stop antagonizing Mexico. That’s why they’re coming here. The Louisiana Purchase was unconstitutional; we need to go back to the original 13 colonies where we belong. We also need to return to the barter system and withdraw from the Jay Treaty.