letter from a modern patriot

Dear Uncle Sam,

As Independence Day approaches, the words of President John Kennedy come to mind, where he told the nation they should, “ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.” He taught us all a valuable lesson – that if you go around talking like that, you’re liable to get shot in the street.

That was a very long time ago, before most of us were even born. We’ve left behind his outdated notion of public virtue, relegating such backward thinking to the dust bin of history. No, make that the environmentally friendly recycling bin of history – where old fashioned ideas are rehabilitated and transformed into shiny, new, progressive ones.

These days we have a much better idea of patriotism and what kind of sacrifice the country requires. We understand now that governments of wealthy nations such as ours have an obligation to provide us with a broad range of benefits, including health care services and medicine, wage guarantees, education and job training, housing and mortgage assistance, unemployment benefits and of course a blanket retirement program.

We know that in order for you to provide us with these services, some small sacrifices might be required from time to time, beginning of course with the wealthiest 5% among us, who currently shoulder only a little over half of the overall income tax burden. Except burden isn’t exactly the appropriate word, since paying higher taxes is a patriotic duty, with 100% being the highest patriotic ideal.

But sacrifice isn’t just for the wealthy. We know all of us may need to sacrifice a small measure of liberty in order to herald the kind of change we can all believe in. If that means granting you the authority to regulate our energy use, force us into smaller vehicles, and seize our private insurance and retirement savings plans, so be it.

We’re more than happy to let you control our banking and transportation industries, run our hospitals, monopolize our schools, and regulate wages, prices and the rest of our business decisions. After all, you’re the one with all of the requisite expertise and compassion. In a global economy, we simply can’t afford the risk of a free market with no central planning. Important decisions like these must be made with multiple layers of redundant bureaucracy looking over our shoulder.

Another patriotic thing we can do for our country is condemn it. As a wise person once said, “dissent is the highest form of patriotism.” So the more we can rage against our own interests, the better. Let us fall into the loving arms of anti-American dictators, bow to oil-rich royalty and blanket the earth with letters of apology, deposited with pictures of abused detainees captured during the overseas contingency operation.

Earlier in his speech, Kennedy also said we should, “pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, in order to assure the survival and the success of liberty.”

Before liberty can succeed, though, we’ve got to overhaul the health care industry, prop up some failed banks and car companies, and funnel some serious cash to ACORN and the UAW.

I know not what course others may take; but as for me, don’t give me liberty, give me the public option.